There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
