Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
