She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
