I am puke
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
