I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
