I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
