he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
