Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I need a beard to bite.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
