don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
