It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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