is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
