So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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