: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
