You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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