trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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