I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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