mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
