there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize