I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
