Apparently you make a good broom.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
