i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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