I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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