I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
