can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize