Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
