if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
