do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
