I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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