I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
