I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
