I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
