tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
