I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
