New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
