There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
