It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
