Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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