I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I lost the right to judge tonight
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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