I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
