just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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