Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
where are my pants?
in the oven.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
