sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
