Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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