Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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