i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize