Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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