why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
why do cheetos always look like penises
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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