i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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