I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize