is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
