i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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