Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
