The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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