mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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